Tag: funny


15

Jun 2017

Kevin Durant Slam Dunks a Bowl of Noodles

I’ve been noticing this mural at a noodle restaurant in Shanghai for several years at least, I think. But the Warriors’ most recent win and Kevin Durant’s performance in particular make me think I should share this odd bit of wall art:

Kevin Durant Slam Dunks a Bowl of Beef Noodles


30

Jun 2016

Wham! vs. Queen in China

OK, for some reason I was reading Wham!’s Wikipedia page a while back (yeah, I know), and I found this hilarious section:

In March 1985, Wham! took a break from recording to embark on a lengthy world tour, including a ground-breaking 10-day visit to China, the first by a Western pop group. The China excursion was a publicity scheme devised by Simon Napier-Bell (one of their two managers—Jazz Summers being the other). It culminated in a concert at the Workers’ Gymnasium in Beijing in front of 15,000 people. Wham!’s visit to China attracted huge media attention across the world. Napier-Bell later admitted that he used cunning tactics to sabotage the efforts of rock group Queen to be the first to play in China: he made two brochures for the Chinese authorities – one featuring Wham! fans as pleasant middle-class youngsters, and one portraying Queen singer Freddie Mercury in typically flamboyant poses. The Chinese opted for Wham!

It would be cool to see those two brochures, if they still exist. (They’re probably in hilariously bad Chinese, if in Chinese at all.)

Wham! on the Great Wall

So how did the concert go? The Guardian gives an amusing account:

According to Simon Napier-Bell, the band’s manager, Michael tried to get the spectators to clap along to Club Tropicana, but “they hadn’t a clue – they thought he wanted applause and politely gave it”.

He said some of the more adventurous Chinese did eventually “get the hang of clapping on the beat, even learnt to scream when George or Andrew waved their butts”.

The diplomat reported that “there was some lively dancing but this was almost entirely confined to younger western members of the audience. Some Chinese did make the effort, but they were discouraged in this by the police.

Sounds like a blast. The tickets cost 5 yuan. Wham! did not enjoy it.


30

Sep 2015

Fishing for Cancer Sticks, Chinese-style

I think we’re all familiar with the “claw crane” arcade game, whereby players are suckered into spending lots of coins trying to pluck a stuffed animal or plastic-encapsulated toy out of an enclosed box using a (very hard to control) mechanical crane.

What I’m not familiar with is seeing boxes of cigarettes as prizes (with a fairy Hello Kitty on the machine, no less). I saw this in a backstreet in Shanghai the other day:

Untitled

Untitled

The two main domestic cigarette brands in the box are 利群 (Liqun) and 红双喜 (Double Happiness). It’s a bottled green tea box and a instant noodle (红烧牛肉面) box propping up the fun prizes.


23

Jul 2015

Watermelon Man’s Secret

I was tempted to use a title like, “You think this guy is just selling watermelons, but you won’t believe what he does next!

Anyway, on my morning commute, I passed this dejected-looking vendor, eyes downcast, as he shirtlessly watched over his truckload of watermelons. He was staring at his scale, and I imagined he was thinking about how absurd it is that this electronic device determines his income.

Untitled

As I got closer, I saw what he was actually doing.

Untitled

Yeah, that’s an iPad. Watermelon guy was watching some kind of drama (but due to bad luck, the screen was black right when I snapped this shot).


25

Jun 2015

Carefully Translate

I love how this translation is technically correct (and perfect English, mind you)… outside of context:

Untitled

As usual, context is key for a correct translation.

This sentence is ambiguous because of the word 地. Is it (de, neutral tone), the structural particle that turns words into adverbs? Or is it (dì, fourth tone), meaning “ground”?

If it’s the former, you get, “carefully slide.” If it’s the latter, you get, “be careful; the ground is slippery.” Computers, those infamously stupid translators, still have a hard time with context.


01

May 2015

May Day Word Play

Today is May 1st, China’s International Workers’ Day holiday. Yesterday I saw this amusing little joke, posted by a former student, “Monica.” The humor is based on transliteration. First the joke, then I’ll follow up with a translation and explanation.

> 小时侯上学,把“English”读为
> “应给利息”的同学当了银行行长,
> 读为“阴沟里洗”的成了小菜贩子,
> 读为“因果联系”的成了哲学家,
> 读为“硬改历史”的成了政治家,
> 读为“英国里去”的成了海外华侨。
> 而我,不小心读成了“应该累死”,
> 结果成了一名光荣的劳动者……工作辛苦了,
> 提前祝大家五一节快乐!

Translation:

> When I was in primary school, the kids that pronounced the word “English”
> as “yīng gěi lìxī” became bankers,
> as “yīngōu lǐ xǐ” became vegetable vendors,
> as “yīn-guǒ liánxì” became philosophers,
> as “yìng gǎi lìshǐ” became politicians,
> as “Yīngguó lǐ qù” became overseas Chinese.
> As for me, I accidentally pronounced it “yīnggāi lèisǐ,”
> and as a result became a glorious laborer….
> You’ve all been working hard; I wish you an early May 1st Labor Day!

For this to make sense, you have to read each individual character that makes up each transliteration (phonetic approximations of the word “English”). Here’s a quick gloss:

Washing Vegetables

Photo by IamNotUnique

应给利息: “should, give, interest”
阴沟里洗: “sewer, in, wash”
因果联系: “cause-effect, connection”
硬改历史: “hard/insist on, change, history”
英国里去: “England, in, go”
应该累死: “should, dead-tired”

(The “washing in the sewer” one refers to washing vegetables in less-than-clean water, rather than bathing, I think.)

Chinese people with limited English ability really do pronounce the word “English” as something like “ying-ge-li-xi,” which makes the joke all the better.


A note to learners: please remember that pinyin “x” should not be pronounced like English “sh.”


27

Feb 2015

“Correction Brother” is Hilarious

Over the CNY holiday a video of a Shandong guy trying to make a phone call with his in-vehicle voice dial went viral, and it is hilarious:

The guy has an accent, so his tones are a little off, but you can definitely make out the number he’s trying to dial with the help of the subtitles.

The part that reads “X死,” while not polite, is actually not obscene; it’s a Shandong slang term “xie 死” which means the same as “打死” (beat someone to death).

Anyway, this guy has been nicknamed 纠正哥, “Correction Brother,” because he keeps trying to “correct” the system’s misunderstanding of his voice commands.

After the video went viral, he was later interviewed by a reporter:

New information learned from this video:

1. The band-aid on 纠正哥‘s head is because his friend (owner of the number that keeps getting repeated in the first video) cracked him over the head with his phone when he started getting non-stop phone calls after the original video went viral.

2. The friend gave the number and the phone to 纠正哥, which is why he has it, and you can see it getting non-stop calls at the end of the interview video.

3. 纠正哥 got mad because the interviewer guessed he was 45 years old, but he’s only 33.

Thanks to John Guise for bringing this video to my attention, and to Yu Cui for alerting me to the follow-up video and providing Shandong insider knowledge!


29

Dec 2014

Kaiser on North Korea and China

Kaiser Kuo answered a question on the relationship between China and Korea which included an analogy that was too good to pass up (I love a good analogy):

Question:

> What impression does the average Chinese person have of North Korea?

> Is it similar to the rest of the world or do they have a different view considering the relation of their government with North Korea?

Rabid Dog

Photo by ~~Yuna~~ on Flickr

Kaiser’s Answer:

> I’m not sure about the “average” Chinese person, but nearly all the Chinese people I know feel a range of emotions toward North Korea that would include embarrassment, shame, pity, contempt, and outright hostility. It’s like a nasty dog that was already a family pet long before you were born: once upon a time, it wasn’t so crazy and bitey, and actually helped scare off would-be burglars and you were even kind of proud of what a tough little sonofabitch he was. Now he’s always barking, straining at the leash, trying to bite the neighbors (and ruining your relations with them), shitting all over the place, and costing you too much to feed.

See the question for the full answer (all two paragraphs of it).


Update: Kaiser’s response on Twitter:


09

Jul 2014

Itchy Feet on Communication

The webcomic Itchy Feet has some great comics on learning to communicate in a foreign language. I especially like his visualization technique for representing a low level of competency in a foreign language. These are about German and French, but could be about any language, really:

blissful ignorance

This one will feel relevant to ABCs in China:

mistaken identity

Itchy Feet is also the comic that did this amusing take on various Asian scripts which went semi-viral a while ago:

creative guesswork


05

Jun 2014

Me in 20 Years: a Chinese Kid’s Essay

I love this kid’s essay! (Most of it is fairly simple, but there are a few really hard parts. Electronic transcript and translation follow.)

child essay

> 四年级3班:蒋小强

> 作文:《二十年后的我》

>今天天气不错,我和老婆带着我们
一对可爱的儿女环游世界。突然,路
边冲出一个浑身恶臭、满脸污秽、无家
可归的老太太。天啊!她竟然是我
二十年前的语文老师!

> 这个星期你站着上课!

And the English translation:

> Grade 4, Class #3: Jiang Xiaoqiang

> Essay: “Me in 20 Years”

> Today the weather is nice, so my wife and I take
our darling son and daughter to travel the world. Suddenly,
from the side of the road emerges a reeking, filthy-faced,
homeless old woman. My God! It’s none other than my
Chinese teacher from 20 years ago!

> This week you stand through class!

My Chinese friends are of the opinion that it’s fake and the handwriting isn’t a real third grader’s, but I was still very amused by this.

Also, if you’re trying to read this and feeling frustrated, these are the really hard parts (well beyond intermediate-level):

环游世界: to take a trip around the world
冲出: to charge out
浑身: from head to toe
恶臭: stench
满脸: the entire face
污秽: filthy
无家可归: homeless (lit. “no home to return to”)
竟然: unexpectedly (a grammar point)


29

May 2014

The 3 “de” in Popular Culture

I’ve previously mentioned a song about the “three de (, , ) issue in Mandarin Chinese. Now it’s even been meme-ified using shots from a TV show:

Three De's

1. First Guy: 现在还区分的、得、地的用法吗? [Nowadays do we still distinguish between the usage of the three de‘s?] 2. Second Guy: 我家的地得扫了。 [The floor in my home needs sweeping.] 3. First Guy: ……

The Joke

OK, truth be told, the second guy is cheating. While he did use all three “decharacters, he used two of them as different words from the structural particles that comprise the “three de‘s.”

The words he used:

1. : He used this one as an attributive, which is a kind of structural particle. This one is one of the “three de‘s”!
2. : As a particle, this word is pronounced “de,” and frequently comes after after adjectives-cum-adverbs, before verbs. However, here it’s pronounced “dì,” and means “ground” or “floor.” Not one of the “three de‘s.”
3. : As a particle, this word is pronounced “de,” and frequently comes after verbs. However, here’s it’s pronounced “děi” and means “must,” and comes before the verb (to sweep). Not one of the “three de‘s.”

So he used all three “de” characters (in a row!), but they weren’t the structural particles the first guy was talking about.

The real answer

In reality, the question which set up the joke is a good one: nowadays, do native speakers of Chinese distinguish between the “three de‘s” when writing?

The answer is yes and no. Professional writers certainly do. Teenagers texting their friends are typically pretty lazy and won’t pay much attention to the distinction (frequently over-using ). Because so many people are typing these days, and predictive text isn’t so good at differentiating the three de‘s, lots of errors creep into common usage (in texts, on WeChat, on blogs, etc.), and everyone is used to seeing them. Some native speakers will even tell you that the distinction is unimportant.

So if you’re trying to write proper Chinese, then yes, you should pay attention to the distinction. If it’s just casual texting, no one is going to be horrified when you use the wrong de.


04

Feb 2014

May the Horse Be With You

I wasn’t expecting Star Wars to get in on the CNY festivities, but here it is:

The pun is (in traditional characters originally):

> “星”年快樂

In simplified, that’s:

> “星”年快乐

新年快乐 means “Happy New Year.” The pun replaces (xin: “new”) with (xing: “star”). The two are both first tone, and do sound very similar in Chinese (in fact, many native speakers don’t carefully distinguish between the “-n” and “-ng” finals of many syllables), and Star Wars in Chinese is 星球大战 (literally, “Star War(s)”).

Thanks, Jared, for bringing this video to my attention!


21

Jan 2014

Call Girl vs. Cali Girl

I saw this flyer in a Shanghai burger joint called CaliBurger. What headline do you see here?

Cali Girl

I literally had to read it three times before I could figure out that it doesn’t say “Vote for Call Girl of China.” It says, “Vote for Cali Girl of China.”

Yikes. I guess typography matters! (The Chinese, “中国赛区加州女孩” is less ambiguous.)


14

Nov 2013

Foot Massage Confessions

Spa foot massage

Photo by bodhana mallorca

In a recent ChinesePod lesson on foot baths, I made this comment:

> I think I find this form of Chinese “relaxation” painful about 90% of the time, but that other 10% is quite nice!

This prompted this reply from RJ:

> My experience as well. Compared to “foot massage”, water-boarding is a sport. They scrape the sensitive bottoms of your feet with a very dull knife, so as not to draw blood. All the while they are thinking: die laowai, die. Had I been a CIA operative under interrogation, I would have cracked. The gal that took me, my host, seemed to be having a great time however. The deluxe 1.5 hour package also came with a happy ending. They packed my legs in a warm “herbal paste” that felt a lot like hot drain cleaner. They also wrap it up in several layers of cloth and tie knots so you can not escape. I was so relieved to see that there was still skin on my legs when they finally removed the restraints. I had to drink an extra beer at dinner just to get rid of the residual pain. How I managed to smile for an hour and a half I dont know, but I could just imagine the whole crew laughing and slapping their thighs after we left. “We got another one, die laowai die”! 🙂

User podster replied with:

> Ah yes, the Chinese foot torture. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Oh, sorry, it’s just “enhanced interrogation.” I got some chemical goo that probably doubles as rust remover at the shipyard smeared on my legs during one of these therapeutic treatments. As the searing pain began to set in, they asked me “烫吗?” [“Too hot?”] I wonder how to ask in Chinese exactly how much pain is “normal.”

I really do wonder if our western feet are built differently (wimpier), or what. Exaggeration aside, this kind of experience seems to be par for the course when it comes to foot baths/massages.


09

Jul 2013

Meaningful Chinese Transliterations (for fun!)

One of the big headaches about learning Chinese is the relative dearth of cognates and loanwords. None of that “car” is “carro” stuff you get when you start learning Spanish. In fact, when you do learn words that were transliterated into English from Chinese (like 麦克风 for “microphone”), the result is often bizarre and a lot harder to learn than if it had been “more Chinese” (keep in mind that you also have to learn all the tones of the word transliterated into Chinese). Kind of a downer.

It seems to me that the Chinese aren’t too crazy about these transliterations either. When they can, they’ll do things like use the Chinese word 苹果 (“apple”) for the American company “Apple” rather than resorting to transliteration. But for foreigners’ names, foreign country names, foreign company names, foreign brand names, and foreign product names, you do get stuck with an awful lot of transliterations into Chinese.

Recently I came across this list of English words (probably taken from a list of vocabulary words for some horrible standardized test) that have been transliterated into Chinese in a humorous way. That is to say, the Chinese characters chosen, rather than being random or “standard transliteration characters,” were chosen for their meanings. I’ve added pinyin tooltips to the transliterations, and also English translations of the transliterations.

agoni

– pregnant (怀孕): 扑来个男的 (“throw a man on me”)
– ambulance (救护车): 俺不能死 (“I can’t die”)
– ponderous (肥胖的): 胖得要死 (“ridiculously fat”)
– pest (害虫): 拍死它 (“squash it”)
– ambition (雄心): 俺必胜 (“I must win”)
– agony (痛苦): 爱过你 (“having loved you”)
– hermit (隐士): 何处觅他 (“wherever can I seek him?”)
– strong (强壮): 死壮 (“damn strapping”)
– abyss (深渊): 额必死 (“I must die”)
– admire (羡慕): 额的妈呀 (“mama mia”)
– flee (逃跑): 飞离 (“fly away by plane”)
– gauche (粗鲁的): 狗屎 (“dog crap”)
– morbid (病态): 毛病 (“mental issues”)
– putrid (腐烂): 飘臭 (“wafting stench”)
– obtuse (愚笨): 我不吐死 (“I’m not going to puke to death”)
– lynch (私刑处死): 凌迟 (“kill by dismemberment”)
– tantrum (脾气发作): 太蠢 (“too stupid”)
– bachelor (学士/单身汉): 白痴了 (“turned dumb”)
– temper (脾气): 太泼 (“too unreasonable”)
– addict (上瘾): 爱得嗑它 (“love to the point of cracking it in your teeth”)
– economy (经济): 依靠农民 (“rely on the peasants”)
– ail (疼痛): 哎哟 (“Owww”)
– coffin (棺材): 靠坟 (“leaning on the grave”)
– appall (惊骇): 我跑 (“I’m gonna run”)


Hopelessly Doomed Scooter Ride in China

27

May 2013

Hopelessly Doomed Scooter Ride in China

This video is too amusing to just let it go by… This guy on his scooter is so comically bad that it almost feels engineered. Like it’s meant to be some kind of allegory or something. Anyway:

Here’s the 4.5 MB animated GIF version (blown up 2X):

[Sorry, had to remove the GIF… it was getting too much traffic, and it’s a fairly large file!]

This GIF had the title “humanity is powerless to stop him from riding his scooter” (人类已经无法阻止他骑摩托车了) on the Chinese site it was posted to.

And a great comment from YouTube:

> my computer must be muted… i don’t hear any benny hill music

On the other hand, if you’ve ever been afraid to ride a scooter on the streets of China, this video might actually give you some hope…


01

Apr 2013

School’s out for April Fool’s Day

It’s April Fool’s Day (愚人节), and I don’t have anything special, but I just thought I’d share this cute photo I saw online:

IMG_1464

Here’s the original text:

> 放学了好开心

> 老胡快走~

> 好的~

> 我收拾一下书包

Here’s the text with punctuation (and pinyin tooltips added):

> 放学了,好开心!老胡,快走!

> 好的。我收拾一下书包。

And the translation:

> School’s out. I’m so happy! Lao Hu, hurry up!

> OK. Just packing up my book bag.

Have a good April Fool’s Day, 童鞋们 (that’s cutesy talk for 同学们).


27

Mar 2013

Chinese Grammar Funnies

longlong

I saw an interesting Chinese forward called 小学生造句 (“elementary school students make sentences”). Obviously, the sentences produced are not exactly what the teacher was looking for. Here are some of the more amusing ones (some understanding of Chinese grammar may be required):

  1. 难过 [dictionary link] [grammar link]

    我家门前有条水沟很难过。
    (There’s a ditch in front of our house that’s hard to cross.)

  2. 又……又…… [grammar link]

    我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。
    (My mom is both short and tall and fat and thin.)

  3. 一边……一边…… [grammar link]

    他一边脱衣服,一边穿裤子。
    (He took off his clothes while putting on his pants.)

  4. 天真 [dictionary link]

    今天真热!
    (Today it’s really hot!)

  5. 先……再…… [grammar link]

    先生,再见!
    (Sir, goodbye!)

  6. 其中 [grammar link]

    我的其中一只左脚受伤了。
    (One of my left feet got hurt.)

  7. 况且 [dictionary link]

    一列火车经过:“况且况且况且况且况且况且况且”。
    (A train passed by: clanka clanka clanka clanka clanka clanka clanka.)

Photo by rbn_hu on Flickr.


19

Mar 2013

Gang gang gang gang gang

江江, 傻傻, 杠杠, and 岗岗

Although never studying it too diligently, I’ve always suspected that the syllable “gang” plays a prominent role in Shanghainese. Then I got this forward which proves it (see image at right). Don’t spend too much time trying to make sense of the Mandarin; it’s just a silly story about 江江, 杠杠, 傻傻, and 岗岗 calling each other dumb (). And yes, it’s pretty contrived. But the Shanghainese version is hilarious.

If you can read Chinese, you might be amused by the image (focusing on the latter half). But you’ll definitely want to hear the audio I had my Shanghainese wife record:

Ganggang.mp3 (1.1 MB)

Here are text transcripts (and keep in mind that the Shanghainese “transcript” doesn’t reflect any official way of representing Shanghainese in written form; it’s mostly just approximately phonetic characters chosen to exaggerate how ridiculous the Shanghainese sounds to non-speakers):

普通话版 (Mandarin version):

> 江江和杠杠说,傻傻刚才说岗岗说他竟然说他傻。

> 杠杠和江江说,江江你傻。

> 傻傻说岗岗傻,岗岗说傻傻傻。

> 岗岗傻傻都傻。

> 刚才傻傻还说你江江傻,岗岗也是这么说的。

> 江江说岗岗傻傻说什么?

> 他们说我傻?他们才傻。

上海话版 (Shanghainese version):

> 刚刚邦刚刚刚,刚刚刚刚刚刚刚刚一刚一刚一刚。

> 刚刚邦刚刚刚,刚刚侬刚。

> 刚刚刚刚刚刚,刚刚刚刚刚刚。

> 刚刚刚刚豆刚。

> 刚刚刚刚还刚侬刚刚刚,刚刚阿斯个能刚。

> 刚刚刚刚刚刚刚刚啥?

> 伊拉刚吾刚一刚?伊拉才刚。

Note: Both the Mandarin and Shanghainese texts have been edited slightly from the original image to correct for errors and inconsistencies (and in one case, to better reflect the audio version).