My Trip to the ZOO
(author's note: this is a long one)

Let me start by saying I’m a nice person and hardly ever do I feel the need to whack somebody upside the head with a monkey wrench, or beat them mercilessly with an object of emasculating degradation (like a studded ,18 inch, double-ended, black dildo). Truth be known, the actual sight of violence makes me sick to my stomach. But there are two situations where it takes all of my will power to not inflict bodily harm on another human being. One instance where I feel violence is justified is towards people who maliciously attack others because of their, race, religion, gender or sexual preference. The other situation involves people who mistreat or abuse animals, which brings me to my trip to the zoo, where I learned something about our beloved K-9 companions.

Last week I went to the Hangzhou zoo at the polite behest of an old friend who was visiting. Normally I like zoos. I see them as sanctuaries for injured or endangered animals that, for whatever reason, cannot be released back into the wild. We, in turn, can go to visit and observe them up close without traveling to their sometimes far away land of origin. Good zoos like the ones in Philadelphia, San Diego and Orlando are testaments to what can be done to study, protect and propagate the endangered species we are responsible for wiping off the face of the planet. I’ve read and heard a lot of accounts of zoos in China and let me tell you, they aren’t the havens of wildlife conservation we consider them to be back in the states. Chinese zoos seem to be cut from the same cloth as traveling circuses and snuff film carnival tent shows. They (the employees) seem to have an overall disdain for the animals they keep as opposed to the reverence one would expect of dedicated zookeepers. I’ll start by saying this zoo was a lot better than what I was expecting but there are three things that stuck out about my visit that left an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

First off there was the bear show. I didn’t know what I was going in to see but I saw a lot of people heading for this building and went with the crowd to see what all the commotion was about. I remember the animal shows back home. Nice environment, soft-spoken, animal loving zoologists teaching us about the animals particular to their area of expertise (the herpetologists were always my favorite). You learned something, and the fun came from being able to get so close to these magnificent animals and really understand them.

At the Hangzhou zoo’s bear show the “arena” where the bears performed looked as though it were formerly used for no holds barred prison fights or the holding pen at a slaughterhouse and the “entertainment” came from forcing a bunch of malnourished bears to perform mundane tasks humans can do like walking on one’s hands/paws, manipulating a jump rope and boxing. Let me tell you, the bear that lost really looked like he or she enjoyed getting pummeled by what I’m sure was his or her relative. Well the crowd just loved it, and when they weren’t spooking the bears with incessant flash photography they were flicking their cigarettes into the performance area. “Hey let the bear smoke a cigarette! That’d be great! Uh Har Har Har!” The other people in the audience just ate it up, as if for the first time they got to see what bears really do in the wild; ride bikes, walk on balance beams and wear Mexican wrestler masks. First off, bears walk on all fours. I’m no zoologist but I think that’s their preferred method of movement. Here, however, they get a crack on the butt with a riding crop if they don’t mimic the bi-pedal locomotion used by their genetically superior overlords (the zookeepers). I couldn’t help but notice how distended the bears’ spines looked and it freaked me out.

The grand finale of the show consisted of dragging out an obviously tired, female elephant that not too long ago had just given birth to a baby of her own. But this didn’t stop the zookeepers from opening all the gates of the “arena” to the audience who now had free and easy access to the momma elephant and her offspring. I don’t know if you know this but momma elephants are EXTREMELY protective of their babies, something you think the zookeepers would have told the 85 people that flooded into the performance area to tug on, kick, prod and humiliate said elephant and her calf. My friend snapped some pictures of the debacle when one asshole got a little too daring with the baby elephant and the mom saw it and let out a noise and bodily thrust that shook the room. All the Chinese folk laughed and laughed at the “stupid” animal trying to protect its young calf and went right back on a pokin’ and a proddin’. My friend and I had seen enough to know an impending rampage was not far off. Once outside, safe from trample, a few thoughts came to mind.

1. Chinese people seriously don’t line up for shit. Even when faced with a situation like having a 5 ton animal crush your body into goo, a situation that could be prevented by lining up in an orderly fashion and waiting your turn to see the elephant. They, as always, rushed in to be the first to taunt an exploit an animal that is more than capable of killing them. For the record, the ringed “arena” was not that big. Maybe thirty feet in diameter and that elephant and her calf took up a third of it, the rest of the space consisted of slack-jawed Chinese tourists. If that elephant lost it (I'm amazed it didn't) those people would have been in severe danger. But this doesn’t register in their minds because…

And this brings me to my second thought.

2. As where the majority of Westerners I know, respect or at least understandably fear wildlife, the audience members I sat along side seemed unified in the concept that they were superior to the animals they were watching. That man had tamed and conquered the “wild beasts” of nature. There was neither respect nor fear for the animals they were observing. They paid 25 kuai not to learn about these exotic creatures but to reaffirm that they were at the top of the evolutionary chart.

I’ll stop briefly to say that I am not accusing all Chinese of being inherently condescending and/or abusive towards animals. It is only what I felt after having observed what I had at the zoo. For as many Chinese there are that disrespect animals there are many more that love and respect them. Unfortunately none of them happened to come to the Hangzhou zoo the day I was there. Westerners aren’t exempt from such behavior either. I lived in Florida for over ten years and I can tell you the number of dipshits that lost life, limb or Labrador to a hungry alligator is bigger than you think.

After the show we strolled over to the elephant habitat. Not seeing any we went around back to where there pens were. I’m an animal lover and I hurt physically when I see animals in pain and the first elephant we came upon was a great big male with meter long tusks. He wasn’t in pain, he was pissed.

Several years ago my father got the idea that a tropical bird flying around the house, shitting on everything and destroying the crown moldings would really make a great addition to our already dysfunctional family (And it did work to bond the family together. After two months with that squawking hell bird, we were all in accord that it needed to die). We went to a breeder and picked a baby Indian Ringed-neck. The breeders were very knowledgeable and one of the things they told us was the temperament of a bird can be seen in the dilation of its pupils. The more dilated the pupils (the black parts of the eye) were, the happier it was. If its pupils were tightly constricted and small it meant the bird was irritable and wanted to be left alone. Let me tell you this works for elephants too. It was easily 10 feet tall at the shoulder and the tusks could gore through 3 of me, but the first thing I noticed were his eyes. I immediately thought of our parrot’s eyes the day my father decided to clip its wings. Eyes of pure rage. My friend and I stopped in front of its enclosure to attempt to soothe it with calming baby talk and he snuck his trunk out through the massive bars and for a split second I went out to pet it when all of a sudden he reared his nostrils up at us and huffed a mucous laden bark at us. We jumped three feet back and both screamed like girls which is fine for my friend because she is one but for me I was mildly embarrassed. Then I realized (or perhaps rationalized) that screaming like a girl is a completely suitable response when a ten foot tall pachyderm tells you with snot to get the fuck away. Shaken by our encounter we went to the neighboring cage and found the source of his anger. A younger elephant, chained at the foot to one of the enclosure's bars, in seizure, trying to free itself only to be able to stand comfortably on all four feet. To add insult to injury on the other side of the enclosure some Chinese guy was taunting it and throwing shit at it. Real compassionate. We left the elephant habitat hoping to find some thing to cheer us up.

That’s when I almost got shit on by a fucking giraffe.

After a close call with giraffe excrement we happened upon the monkey habitat. Which brings me to another important point, something all Chinese people need to learn and the Chinese government at all levels needs to start initiating. When you are out hiking in any of China’s beautiful national parks or you’re at the zoo, or in your own neighborhood.

DON”T FEED THE FUCKING ANIMALS!

<>To take a quote from one of America’s greatest citizens, Homer Simpson, “Son, when the sign says, ‘Do not feed the bears.’ Man, you better not feed the bears.” In the episode this line is delivered by Homer who is at the breakfast table speaking to his children, Bart and Lisa. Upon delivering the above lines he lifts his arm up from underneath the table to reveal a bear cub attached by tooth and claw to his forearm. That’s because when you feed wild animals they lose their fear of humans. Something almost all animals are born with. Instead of seeing people as a threat they see people as a source of food. When people don’t have food for these animals to eat they eat the people. When animals lose their fear of humans accidents happen and the images are truly terrifying:

Truly disturbing. But that's what happens when you allow people to feed wild animals, and that's why so many tourists in Sichuan get attacked by monkeys. And monkeys are strong. With big teeth. And they’re wily. But people over here don’t know this, so the entire floor of the monkey habitat is littered with plastic bags that once contained peanuts, crackers and cookies, aluminum cans of cola, and plastic water and iced tea bottles. Of course throwing unopened bags of food at animals not familiar with the concept of packaging doesn't register with the zoo patrons as a potentially dagerous action. After all, it's a well known fact that monkeys go bananas for a Nestea plunge after snarfing down an unwrapped tube of Oreos. It was really depressing. Normally I enjoy the monkey and great ape exhibits at any zoo. Watching those wacky bastards cavort and caper on the ropes and swings and what not. What’s not to like? Say what you will about chimpanzees (the common favorite) but I’ll put a house full of howler monkeys up against them any day. The last time I was at the zoo in Florida the howler monkeys had me rolling! I haven’t laughed that hard since Hamburger U. Anywhoseits I’m straying from the point (damn scotch).

A unique feature of the Hangzhou zoo is the dog exhibit. Well it’s not so much an “exhibit” as it is an expansive kennel of depression. Now I love dogs. In fact the one thing I miss back home more than my family is my dachshund. A majestic wiener dog I aptly named, Wienerdog. He’s so cute and loyal, bit of a problem with incontinency but nothing to fault him for. I did save him from the pound, that’s like death row for dogs, it’s no surprise if the trauma causes some behavioral problems here and there. Besides he mainly pissed on my girlfriend’s shit so I couldn’t care less. For two straight days I held that scared, shaking long dog like a baby till he knew he was safe and loved which brings me to my third point of uneasiness with the zoo.

Why the fuck do Chinese men harass the fuck out of dogs? There I petting a Bassett Hound through the chain link fence, giving and getting some love when all of a sudden he withdraws and starts growling and barking. I turn around and there’s a Chinese guy with his girlfriend. I suppose he was trying to impress her with his fearlessness because he walked right over to the Bassett’s enclosure and started whacking it in the nose with his umbrella laughing and puffin’ out his chest. I let it slide grudgingly. But mainly because the chain link separation between them kept his abuse to a minimum physically. The psychological abuse it had on the dog though was more than severe. The thing is, this wasn't an isolated incident. It wasn't just this dog, it was all of the dogs. I was able to go up to each one, put my hands through the fence and pet their head and muzzle…until a Chinese man came into their line of sight. They immediately withdrew and got into protect and attack mode. This is something I’ve not only seen at the zoo, but on the streets, in people’s homes, and in restaurants where dog was not even on the menu.

About a week after my trip to the zoo, I'm at a nice Xinjiang restaurant with friends when these assholes stroll in with their dog (nice Golden Retriever mix) and then beat it when it started sniffing around for food. What do you think the dog’s going to do in a Xinjiang Restaurant? Pray towards Mecca? No, he’s gonna try to get his paws on some lamb. I just can’t stand it. Maybe it’s the scotch talking but I’m sick and tired of the animal mistreatment I see almost daily. Something should be done. But I’m just one man who no Chinese listen to or respect because I'm under the height of 180cm, so I’m asking the blogging community here in China to copy the image below and put it onto your sight if you believe the animal abuse should stop. I spent a lot of time on it and am pretty proud of it. I hope you like it.

Pretty effective huh? I made it myself! YAY!! Anywho, if you want to join with me in the fight for animal rights in China copy this image and put it on your site. And let me know you did becuase that would be totally sweet. I know it's kind of big but you can shrink it down if you like. That's cool. Man this was a long post. Hope you enjoyed it. More to come.